Undead Scourge conquers Wall Street, advances on Washington.
Last week, Blizzard Entertainment released their much-anticipated game expansion, Wrath of the Lich King.
“We had no idea what we were unleashing,” said Blizzard company president and Co-Founder Michael Morhaime. “We knew the game still had some production bugs, but we figured we could fix them after our customers had bought the game with our next client patch. Instead, one of our fictional characters seems to have escaped the game and is now dead set on killing… well everyone! As president of Blizzard Entertainment, I can say without equivocation that doom has come to this world. Tremble mortals, and despair. On wait that’s Archimonde’s line… what was Arthus’ catch phrase? I don’t really recall. Ah well. It doesn’t matter. It’s time to die. I don’t know about all of you, but I’m planning on giving my Beretta 12 gauge a blowjob right after this interview. Arthus can’t make me into one of his undead minions if I’ve got no skull.”
The Lich King Arthas Menethil, also know as Ner’zhul, wasted no time attacking the totally unprepared citizens of New York City.
“My rise to power in your pathetic kingdom was mere child’s play,” said the Lich King in an exclusive interview with this publication. “I knew that the financial markets were weak, and so I seized complete control of them. How you may ask? Simple. With my army of the dead and damned.”
Jack Thompson, chief lawyer employed by Mothers Against Videogame Addiction and Violence, said that it’s no secret where the 8 million or so zombies that King Arthus commands came from.
“Eight million people played World of Warcraft,” said Thompson. “That’s eight million slack-jawed zombies created by the video game industry and Blizzard Entertainment. These players were ground zero for the Undead Plague, spread when they uploaded Wrath of the Lich King to their computers. All Arthus had do was give the word, (most likely by subliminal messages he placed in the game,) and all these fanatical followers descended upon Wall Street like the proverbial four horsemen.”
“Of course it helps that the Lich King had a Wall Street insider on his side,” said Paul Kangus of PBS’s Nightly Business Report. “Donald Trump has long been a supporter of evil in all its forms. With the coming of the Lich King to Wall Street, he could see where the markets were heading and swore fealty to the Lord of the Undead. This helped the Lich King consolidate financial power quickly.”
“A few weeks ago, if you’d have told me it would take a supernatural despot to raise Fanny and Freddie back from the grave, I’d have laughed in your face, but you know, now I’m a believer, in the Lich King that is… May he reign forever as our dark master!” said Tom Gardner CEO and Co-Chairman of the Motley Fool and noob Death Knight level 56.
President George W. Bush, in a desperate attempt to save America, humanity and his failed presidency ordered the US Armed forces to engage in a full frontal attack upon the legions of the Undead Scourge.
“The major problem of course with fighting the undead, is that they just don’t die,” said the shell shocked Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “You shoot one, and it gets right back up and tries to eat your brains. You’ve got to dismember them to stop them or blow them up. And every time they kill one of our guys, the Scourge necromancers raise him to fight on their side, so it’s really a lose-lose situation.”
His offensive against the Scourge failing as miserably as everything he’s tried to do while in office, George W. Bush decided it was time to drop the big one on New York. Sadly, this last desperate act to save the human race was thwarted by none other than vice president Dick Cheney.
Shotgun in hand, the vice-president stepped into the office and blasted the hope of the free world (the first and last time George Bush has been called that I’m sure,) right in the face with both barrels.
At a press conference immediately following this murder, the now acting President Cheney and level 83 Death Knight said, “I have done the will of my Master the Lich King, and I have been rewarded with the office of High Chancellor, in this his new kingdom.”
Former presidential candidate John McCain has also converted to the Lich King’s cause.
“Cheney of course joined because he’s always been mad with power and out of control. I joined because well, I’m 72 and I get periodic bouts of Melanoma. I figured, I am not getting any younger or healthier, but if I become a lich I won’t get any older since I’ll be living out the rest of eternity as mobile talking corpse. It’s a win-win for me, and a win-win for America.”
President-elect Barak Obama has taken a firm stand against the undead minions of the Lich King, but his position was weakened when a number of his choices for economic advisory positions, who were corrupted by the Scourge of Wall Street, turned upon him.
“I told him that they were turning green and all smelly,” said Michelle Obama, referring to former Enron Exec. Robert Rubin, Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons, and Freddie Mac Former Exec. and Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel. “I was sure they’d all contracted the Undead Plauge, but my husband, Mr. Optimism, said they were just fine and they’d been screened by a doctor. It must have been Dr. Kavorkian because sure enough they tried to eat our brains! That Putz is lucky I still keep my sawed-off in my purse, else America’s first Black President would be lunch for the armies of the undead.”
Meanwhile, Blizzard Entertainment programmers are desperately working to create an update patch to the game that will eliminate the Scourge.
“We don’t really hold out much hope though,” said Morhaime. “Could you be a pal and pass me that box of double lead buckshot?”
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oh boy, crazy alert.